As the regime celebrates its anniversary in Iran, it is only fitting to take a look at all they’ve done for the Iranian people in those thirty nine years.  This is their day to applaud themselves, so it is only fitting that we outline their vast accomplishments.

I could launch into some complicated diatribe about economic and foreign policies, but they say a photo is worth a thousand words, so let’s take a literal look at all they’ve done.

First, their rulers.

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The Shah of Iran, King Pahlavi with his beautiful wife and son.

And the current “Supreme Leader” Khameini.

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Which would you rather show up to celebrate in the street? The royal family who ruled over a period of economic growth and prosperity and granted most freedoms, or the repressive ruler who resembles in many ways, a demonic garden gnome?

In 1979, an estimated one hundred thousand women took to the streets to protest the forced hijab, which was put into law only days before the photo was taken. Some of those women were stabbed as a result.

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(photo has been colorized to better show the size of the crowd.)

Women in Iran today are still protesting. It seems we celebrate 39 years of their voices going ignored and their basic rights denied them.

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This is Vida Movahed. She is the young mother of a toddler who became the face of the present-day hijab protests. She was thrown into jail for weeks, sparking outrage and concern for her well-being across social media. She was freed, only for at least 29 more women to be arrested and jailed for waving a cloth on a stick.

That is the kind of progress and achievements for the people the regime is desperately bribing and threatening people to show up and celebrate in public today.

Before the revolution, the middle class was thriving, and poverty was low. Today, this is the amazing help the regime gives to victims of a deadly quake in Iran who were left homeless and displaced as a result.

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“According to Iranian Parliament’s official website, MP Shehab Naderi has said, “In addition to Sarina Zahabi, several other children, including an eight-month-old baby, have died of fever and frostbite.”

Winter came, you see, and the regime had promised trailer shelters to the people to shield them from the freezing temperatures and snow. In their godlike benevolence, they left them to suffer and die instead. If that’s not a cause for celebration, what is?

It’s not like the people lack the means to get back onto their feet, though. Oh no, the regime can boast the following unemployment rates as of 2014.

“A recent report titled Measurement and Economic Analysis of Urban Poverty showed that between 44.5 percent and 55 percent of Iran’s urban population lives below the poverty line.”

 

With most major industries in Iran seeing massive worker strikes, and employees angry at not having been paid for more than 15 months in some cases, you can only imagine how much better those figures look today, in 2018!

Well done, Regime. Truly, you deserve a marching band..oh, no, you’ve banned those. Maybe a massive parade float then, to celebrate how much better life is under your rule than under that old Shah who never even had children freezing to death in the streets. What an amateur he was!

I digress. Let’s applaud your progressive policies on crime.

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Nothing says “Modern” like an actual guillotine to chop off someone’s hand. Way to work toward full automation, Gentlemen. Today, a fairly basic machine, but tomorrow, a bustling assembly line until no hands are left in Iran. Three cheers for the Regime.

It cannot be stressed enough how hard you’ve worked to protect the Iranian people from those dangerous women waving hijabs on a stick, or women who have been fighting for human rights for the people of Iran, or even women who have simply tried to live their lives with some measure of freedom.

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You have shown the world that morals, decency and common human rights will not be tolerated on your watch. Gold star.

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Mahboubeh Mofidi- Hanged recently at age 17 for allegedly killing the man who bought her as a ‘bride’ when she was only 13. (fair trials don’t exist, so it’s a strong chance she didn’t do it.)

The world applauds your concern for the welfare of children in Iran, and your harsh crackdown on the sexual predators who would abuse them. Truly, you deserve streets paved in gold and diamonds to tread upon in your celebration of such justice and fairness as that which you proudly display as you hang children and dismember people for allegedly stealing some sheep because they were desperately poor and starving.

Your policies are surely not to blame though, no. Clearly these people are just being influenced by the internet you fight so hard to cut them off from as it’s making them think they are broke, unemployed and unable to find work despite their college degrees.

Look what Google did to you.

Silly people, convinced by messaging apps that they have no jobs. Well, you showed them! Who had the last laugh?

Certainly not the people you have beaten, thrown into prison and even murdered. It was never your goal to do anything for the people, so I am afraid I must heap this victory on top of all your other glories.

 

I wonder who will be laughing next year this time, Regime? My money, I know better than to trust with you, so I’m putting it on the strong, courageous people of Iran who are standing up every day to demand you return to the serpent’s lair from whence you spawned.

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-Rachel

 

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